Asking Eric: Aging parents’ anxiety causes a family rift

Dear Eric My now-retired parents are terrific people They re intriguing kind hardworking and A grandparents My wife and I marvel at how instinctive capable and giving they are with our two young boys That revealed every year that goes by their anxiety reaches new heights It seems like a classic development of having very little to fill the void of what their careers once were It makes it exhausting to spend more than a day or two at a time with them as the ticks and ruminations start mounting and eventually corroding every interaction All the lights must be turned off in the house unless there s a very good reason to turn them on Ordering dinner is anywhere between a one- and two-hour ordeal It s stuff that s not only decreasing their quality of life but in turn affecting my relationship with them I d sooner disengage than have another circular discussion about their HOA s landscaping decisions I know the bunny slopes advice Have an honest conversation Express loving concern Use I feel language Blah blah blah Do you have any black diamond takes on how to kindly broach the topic with them Obviously no one wants to be parented by their children Grateful Son Dear Son Black diamond Accept it Their experience of the world is changing and while certain of it may be cause for concern more on that in a second other aspects may solely be quirks in personality that come with age and stage They re great parents and grandparents so give them particular grace Turn off the lights if they don t want them on Listen to the HOA talk We have such a finite amount of time with each other That noted if you re concerned that their anxiety is indicative of chosen larger issue tell them These are the things I m seeing Do you see this as an issue as well Would you be open to talking to your healthcare provider about it Can I come along as your curative advocate Anxiety manifests itself in a number of options and it is treatable medically holistically and spiritually But you ll have to let go of your judgment of it in order to have a conversation that feels safe for them Think of it less as parenting your parents and more as making room for vulnerability on all sides Also the bunny slopes will still get you to the bottom of the mountain safely so don t knock it til you ve tried it Dear Eric I play cards weekly with a group One of the women sometimes chews gum during our games noisily and with her mouth open This is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard to me Why do otherwise well-mannered people think open-mouth chewing is socially acceptable What do you suggest do I say something to her Quiet Please Dear Quiet Please Absolutely She may not realize she s doing it So by telling her that the noisiness bothers you you give her the opportunity to make a change Numerous people don t like noisy chewing Selected people have misophonia a disorder of decreased tolerance to specific sounds others totally can t stand the sound The card contest is a weekly shared social space so ask for what you need to continue to enjoy the time Dear Eric My neighbors and clerks in our local grocery store know I hang out with Patty Sometimes Patty and I shop together She s very friendly and gives each cashier and bagger a hug As a former cashier myself I ve stated her not to do that Also she s worn the same outfit for more than a month and smells I ve never seen her do laundry in our building s laundry room Two employees narrated me that the manager who is very nice to me is on the verge of kicking her out Related Articles Asking Eric Manager s affair causes chaos in the office Asking Eric Friend wants to end friendship without conflict Asking Eric Family pressures sister to ignore siblings crimes Asking Eric Condo board bullying gets out of control Asking Eric Friend perpetually demands rides with no repayment She doesn t have a car so it d be rough on her Should I tell her it s serious that she may not be allowed in there if she doesn t tone it down Hugger s Friend Dear Friend Yes It s the helpful thing to do and it might lead to a conversation about what else is going on with Patty The hugging may be a personality quirk but not doing laundry for a month suggests that there is a difficulty in her life economic emotional mental or logistical that s keeping her from maintaining healthy habits Talk to her about the store and then ask her without judgment if she requirements help Point out what you ve noticed and if need be help her see how these things might be keeping her from the life she wants If you find yourself out of your depth offer to go with her to her professional to talk about what s going on or bring a mutual friend Your intervention could help Patty avoid something much worse Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com