Asking Eric: Niece excludes one branch of large family tree at wedding

Dear Eric My husband is one of eight siblings A scant live on opposite sides of the country but they do remain in contact and we all get together occasionally One of my brothers-in-law is married and has a stepdaughter The stepdaughter became engaged and we were notified that since she was paying for her own wedding they had no say in the invite list and we all may receive an invite or not Mind you this daughter was invited to any event we had including my kids weddings At my daughter s wedding she responded that she was coming but was a no show The save the dates went out and we were not invited along with one sister-in-law Everyone else was invited and attended I feel excluded and snubbed I have been dwelling on this way too much but don t understand There were never any words or any rift My brother-in-law who is the stepfather is close with my husband When I spoke to a insufficient of his siblings I was communicated she demanded a small wedding there were people that went and I should be happy because of the expense of the hotel I was going to have a th birthday party for my husband but have decided to have a quiet dinner with my kids and grandchildren I would also like to have no contact with them moving forward and I advised my husband this He feels I m too sensitive which added salt to the wound He can have any relationship he wants with them but I want out personally Am I in the wrong I just can t see myself in their company and feeling content Excluded Dear Excluded You have every right to feel the way you do And to your point it seems pointed to invite six out of the eight siblings But and this is a big but the family is large even without considering the niece s mother s family the father s family her friends and the family of the person she married Even with guests options start to narrow So grant her a little grace And more importantly don t take her wedding invite list out on her parents They communicated you they didn t have any control over the invites and it s best to take that at face value While you ve been kind to the niece you and she don t have as close a relationship as you do with others in the family That s OK It s also OK to have bruised feelings about it You reached out your hand and she didn t reach back and that can hurt It also sounds like other members of the family are trying to offer comfort and sympathy by telling you you didn t miss anything Try to accept that And then try to let it go for your sake and for your husband s Going no contact with branches of the family who also didn t have control over the invites is only going to hurt him Dear Eric My wife and I are a white couple in our mid- s We have numerous Black friends and acquaintances we see frequently at our church and workplace Everybody is very cordial and our conversations share insights into each other s goings-on family friends et cetera What is discomforting to us is we are often addressed as Miss Jane and Mr John rather than totally Jane and John We re sure all intentions are respectful We hate to think there is a racial element involved and hope it is just a matter of cultural mannerisms We don t notice this title formality with one Black person to another even among those in our age bracket We don t want to be rude if addressing this issue would be somehow offensive Any thoughts on this Informal Request Related Articles Asking Eric Hearing loss struggles strain friendship Asking Eric Mom wants relationship with adult sons without being overbearing Asking Eric Wife s divorce shocks husband of years Asking Eric Husband s eating habits disgust wife Asking Eric Neighbor s new rooster disturbs retirees peace Dear Request Don t be afraid to ask people to call you what you re majority of confident being called For instance It would mean so much if you d just call me John it s how I know we re friends Something short and sweet like that It s unclear to me whether the formality is related to your particular region a particular subculture or even your standing in your region Or all of the above But if you re noticing that these honorifics aren t universally applied it stands to reason you have the power to do away with them without being thought rude Now if your friends and acquaintances protest that s an opportunity for you to dig a little deeper with respect Would you mind telling me more about why you d feel more relaxed with Mr John rather than John And then listen to what they have to say Even if you don t agree with the reasoning it might give you insight into how you re seen and how you and your friends can better see each other Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com